Say it With Flowers

This may surprise you but, sometimes, the police make mistakes. The usual defence raised when this happens is, "we're only human". Occasionally the defence raised is Ronald Thwaites QC, who costs a lot more and clearly isn't very good.

It never ceases to appal me when the police rely on "being human" as some kind of tonic for all wrongs. In my opinion, every time a mistake is made, somebody should be immediately suspended, preferably in a public manner in order that a press release can be sent out promising that "a training need was identified and several officers have been disciplined".

For example, some months ago I was trying to locate a Stephanie Silchurch. She had smashed up her cousin's flat and run off. All we knew is that her parents lived at 20 Newcommon Gardens, Blandmore.

It took me some time to locate the address, as it turns out that Newcommon Gardens is a square, and no.20 is on a fork of the square that makes it look as though it is on Grouch Spur. Anyway, finally I knocked at the door and a bemused couple answered.

"Is Stephanie home?" I asked.

"No, she doesn't live here any more."

I explained, as I usually do, that it was nothing to worry about, but I needed to speak to Stephanie regarding some criminal damage at her cousin's place. This is police speak for "I need to arrest her". The couple, having only ever met a police officer the day their house was broken into, were ultra-polite, ultra-helpful, and told me that their daughter now lived at 11 St. Mary's Walk. They even offered to phone and get her to come home and meet me there.

When I did go round, she wasn't in, and next ensued a week of "arrest attempts", with officers from all shifts going to both addresses at all hours of the day and night trying to catch her. Finally, two weeks later, after nine complaints from her parents and neighbours about our antisocial visits, she was nabbed.

The only problem was, it turned out that the Stephanie I was after actually lived at 20 Grouch Spur, a hundred yards away from the address I had visited. Unhappily for them, and her, the couple at 20 Newcommon Gardens also had a daughter called Stephanie, who was also on bad terms with a cousin.

Fortunately, the Stephanie who got arrested was calm, cooperative and patient with the poor befuddled bobbies who booked her into custody. Had she panicked, struggled, been restrained, suffered a heart attack and died as a result, it would have been tenuous as to whether this was a lawful arrest in the first place. Cue half a dozen police officers up on charges of manslaughter, all because of Britain's lousy house-numbering system.

In such a scenario, I don't think flowers would quite do it.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in all good bookstores and online.