What NOT to say to a police officer on a road closure:

Following on from my discussion of road closures on Friday, it may surprise you to hear that not everyone is pleased to discover that they can't get into their house due to a malicious drain explosion. Some are even - would you credit it - RUDE to me where I stand at the road closure.

Of course, as a police officer, I have only three cones, a SLOW sign and a very dirty yellow jacket to carry out all this road-closing. I do not have DIVERSION signs, ROAD AHEAD CLOSED signs or SOMEONE HAS JUST DIED HERE signs. So do not expect to get any warning of my road closures, or any help in navigating around it. Do expect to get a ticket if you drive around me and ignore it. Here are the top ten things NOT to say to me when I'm stranded for hours on a road closure. I hear most of them regularly:

1. "So... is the road closed?"
2. "How do I get to X?"
   
3. "Why haven't you put in a diversion?" (See above - signs I do not carry.)
   
4. "How long is this going on for - I'm in a hurry?"
5. "Can't I just squeeze past?"
6. "But the accident is on the next road over."
7. "I pay your wages."
8. "I'm friends with the Chief Constable, you know."
9. "I'm late for golf, don't y'know."

The top remark NOT to say is to just scream incoherent abuse out of the window, put your foot down and drive at me. I take exception to that. In fact, you might even get a ticket out of me, and I'm not even vaguely interested in Traffic.

In case you're wondering, the BEST thing to say to me on a road closure is:

"You poor dear, you look freezing. Let me take over for you while you go and have a nice cup of tea in front of my television. The X Factor is just starting..."

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