This is the official blog of Sgt Ellie Bloggs, a real live police sergeant on the front line of England. It's not the official opinion of my police force, but all the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't pay my salary.


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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

What NOT to say to a police officer on a road closure:

Following on from my discussion of road closures on Friday, it may surprise you to hear that not everyone is pleased to discover that they can't get into their house due to a malicious drain explosion. Some are even - would you credit it - RUDE to me where I stand at the road closure.

Of course, as a police officer, I have only three cones, a SLOW sign and a very dirty yellow jacket to carry out all this road-closing. I do not have DIVERSION signs, ROAD AHEAD CLOSED signs or SOMEONE HAS JUST DIED HERE signs. So do not expect to get any warning of my road closures, or any help in navigating around it. Do expect to get a ticket if you drive around me and ignore it. Here are the top ten things NOT to say to me when I'm stranded for hours on a road closure. I hear most of them regularly:
  1. "So... is the road closed?"
  2. "How do I get to X?"
  3. "Why haven't you put in a diversion?" (See above - signs I do not carry.)
  4. "How long is this going on for - I'm in a hurry?"
  5. "Can't I just squeeze past?"
  6. "But the accident is on the next road over."
  7. "I pay your wages."
  8. "I'm friends with the Chief Constable, you know."
  9. "I'm late for golf, don't y'know."
The top remark NOT to say is to just scream incoherent abuse out of the window, put your foot down and drive at me. I take exception to that. In fact, you might even get a ticket out of me, and I'm not even vaguely interested in Traffic.

In case you're wondering, the BEST thing to say to me on a road closure is:

"You poor dear, you look freezing. Let me take over for you while you go and have a nice cup of tea in front of my television. The X Factor is just starting..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright of PC Bloggs.

17 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The great British public strike again. As a fellow woman officer I can sympathise with you, Bloggs.

My favourite is the directional arrow.

You have your directional arrow out, telling them which way to go and they still pull up and either point in the opposite direction and waggle there hands at you or wind their window down and ask if they can go in the opposite direction that the sign is pointing.

I've taken to looking at them incredulously til they move on.

I'm glad to know that other people are cursed with the driver who can't figure it out for themselves and insist, at 3am after a fatal, when its peeing down with rain and there is a tail back of three miles that I get my map out and figure out an alternative route for them. One person asked me to write it down for them once.

Then of course, the others all ask too...

28 August, 2007 18:47

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Handing out tickets for no other reason than a fit of pique?

For all your bleating , this really is your true level.

Contemptible sow

28 August, 2007 20:59

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats not verty nice...

28 August, 2007 21:08

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very, even!

28 August, 2007 21:08

 
Blogger busybizzie said...

Best thing I've heard on a road closure?
"I'm your relief."

28 August, 2007 21:20

 
Blogger Charlie Lima said...

I hate when MOP's actually lift up the POLICE tape walk underneath!

I'm like 'What the hell are you doing?' they are like 'But I'm only going across there'

What the hell do they think the tape means????

29 August, 2007 09:19

 
Anonymous Andy said...

Re anonymous, Aug 28, 20:59, and the 'contemptible sow' remark, as far as I can see, Bloggsy suggests she'll dish out tickets to people who ignore road closures put in place for very good reasons (how many times have YOU attended a fatal accident where they are trying cut a mum and her baby out of the wreckage, for instance?) or scream abuse and drive straight at her. To my mind, a ticket in those circumstances (particularly the latter) is rather on the lenient side.
If anyone's contemptible, it's you old stick.

29 August, 2007 11:58

 
Anonymous Dray said...

Forget the logic.

There's no need for name calling. It shows the intellectual level of the name caller. Not very.

29 August, 2007 15:23

 
Anonymous pcr said...

I like closing roads.
It give me a chance to get rid of all my sarcasm for the week on the hapless idiots who ask me if the road is open.
I can then be unfailingly polite to everybody for the rest of my shift set.

29 August, 2007 19:49

 
Anonymous Reactively proactive said...

Does anybody else begin to come up with the best story as to why the road is closed that they can make people believe once they have been stood there a few hours. I once had a couple seriously thinking we had closed a main arterial road out of the city at 3:00am as a rehersal for a police picnic we were having there the following day.
I had a few more believe it was closed because it was a quiet night and we were all bored. I think alien invasion may be the reason next time!!

29 August, 2007 22:41

 
Blogger metcountymounty said...

I closed a road once because the public are twats

31 August, 2007 01:25

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Surely the best thing to say would involve hot tea/coffee/chocolate and large quantities of free chocolate no?

03 September, 2007 10:11

 
Blogger staghounds said...

Replace your sign's flimsy stick with a solid length of pipe. Use it to ding their fenders as they drive past.

06 September, 2007 18:24

 
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