Best Friends.

We are told that dangerous dogs are now rife in our society. The proof for this claim is the statistic that the number of them nearly doubled between 2000 and 2005 to the despiccable figure of over 400 incidents! The government must take drastic action straight away. I imagine that some kind of update in the legislation will solve this crisis and I urge you all to campaign for at least seven new offences condemning the use of a dog as a weapon.

The police now take these attacks seriously: whereas before we used to have a bit of a giggle at the antics of our loveable companions, now we grasp the significance of these terrifying attacks and their potential for a detection.

In the year 2000, I would have been expected to deal with a dangerous dog incident thus:

• Turn up, establish that although the dog was boisterous, no injury had actually been caused.
• Discover that the caller is a cat-lover.
• Advise the dog-owner to keep the animal on the lead and the caller to go home.

Now, however, the refined Blandshire approach would be:

• Turn up, establish that although the dog was boisterous, no injury had actually been caused.
• Discover that the caller is a cat-lover.
• Advise the dog-owner to keep the animal on the lead and the caller to go home.
• Return to the nick to discover that a crime report has been generated in relation to the incident.
• Inform the crime desk that this is a No-Crime.
• Wait a week for their response.
• Read and delete the email telling me that the No-Crime has been rejected on the grounds of Bureaucracy.
• Complain to my sergeant.
• Have my sergeant write a rude email to the Crime Desk.
• Receive an email from the Crime Desk informing me that I should accept that my job in these situations is to arrest someone and kill their dog on the basis of an anonymous call.
• Visit the "victim" and get them to sign a statement to say that they were not injured and do not want to pursue any complaint, although they would like the dog-owner to be advised of the benefits of cats.
• Visit the dog-owner and get them to sign a statement admitting that their dog was a bit boisterous and might one day frighten someone into falling over and hurting themselves.
• Submit all the paperwork to the Crime Desk for forwarding to the Headquarters Auditors.
• Wait six weeks, then receive an email informing me that the admission by the dog-owner is simply insufficient and there isn't enough evidence to prove this offence.
• Rip my own throat out with the office scissors.

I do wonder why the number of recorded incidents has increased...

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