The Age of Policing.

I did some good solid police work this week. By which I mean I completed the following superlative examples of Twenty-First Century Policing:

• I wrote out a ten-page statement for the victim.
• I wrote three statements for me regarding various things I did - and did jolly well too.
• Witness statement - five pages including the description "Lads in hoodies".
• Enquiries at shops for CCTV.
• Enquiries with taxi companies - the response to all my phonecalls was, "DUNNO".
• DNA sample taken from victim.
• Victim's clothing seized.
• Computer-based enquiries looking for possible offenders committing the same kind of crime.
• Two houses searched.
  

All of this took a total of about twelve hours over several days. It should have taken Detectives twelve hours instead of a little old shift officer without many brains, but they were too busy Detectiving at their desks.

Would anyone like to guess which of the above enquiries led to my arresting two felons?

The answer is, this one: I was mooching around one evening (in a vehicle, I might add) when I saw two guys matching the description. A visit to their homes confirmed they had been out there that night and hey presto, two more arrests to inch towards to my monthly target.

Detectives will now begin Detectiving in earnest, as with two chaps on bail there is a strong chance they will get a Detection. One thing people forget is that shift officers like myself are only there to deal with crimes where there is no hope whatsoever of catching anyone. The really highly-trained Detectives are best saved for those investigations where an offender has already been identified and is ready to send to court.

Once in court, of course, most of the work I have done will be destroyed by the fact that I forgot a numeral in one of my six-digit exhibit codes, or by the genius who will decide that the DNA-store is too full and will throw out my evidence before trial. Plus the offenders will come up with a totally convincing account that the most discerning farmyard goose will believe without hesitation. It won't matter that they lied in interview because it will be shown that "they didn't understand the questions" or "they were oppressed". The fact that the victim identified them in a parade will be negated by the fact that the DVD used during the procedure was red instead of blue, and their accidental confession while smoking in the custody yard will count for nothing because the custody assistant who heard it was Welsh.

I think you will agree that we live in a glorious age of policing.

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