This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

(All proceeds from Google Ads will be donated to the Police Roll of Honour Trust)

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Professional Thieves Are Operating...

As the 2007 tax year kicks off in fine style, "Crime Reduction" is the buzzword on the lips of my Senior Managers, replacing last year's "Detection Rate". The emails reading "Just another 20 to get for tomorrow night! Come on people!" have been replaced with ones that say, "Target those burglary hotspots! Come on people!"

I blame this shift entirely on PC Copperfield's book and have therefore forwarded my paperwork to him to sort out. As it is impossible to measure Crime Reduction in Blandmore, due to the policy that every incident has to be crimed no matter what it consists of, it will be hard to come up with a target for us all to aim for this year, but I am sure the SMT will manage.

But sometimes even Blandshire Constabulary thinks of a good Crime Reduction idea. This time it is signs in the local bus and train stations that read "Professional thieves are operating in this area". "Professional" brings up an image of gangs wearing ski masks and carrying automatics, who plan everything on a whiteboard and have blueprints of the pedestrian they plan to mug. It only goes to show the poster campaign must be working, because there haven't been any attacks by these gangs in Blandmore since they went up.

It is also nice to see the police blaming Members of Public for crime more nowadays. Society used to be tolerant of the cretins who own mobile phones and sat-navs, whereas now we come down on them with the weight they deserve.

You might be wondering whether I qualify as a "professional" police officer. I do have a gang, and we do use an awful lot of whiteboards. However I am maintaining my amateur status as I hope to police in the Olympics.

Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

To be fair, thieving and fighting crime are more sports than synchronised swimming, and that's been in the Olympics for 23 years. It's much riskier & harder to get medals for protecting & serving than for swimming in pretty patterns; and professional thieves don't get any recognition for what they do whatsoever (no matter how good they are) beyond a few scant warnings that they are 'operating'.

I think we should put up signs to warn the thieves where professional police officers are to be operating. That way, the better ones can choose where to rob when they want a challenge. Medals with corresponding prison sentences could then be awarded for robbing locations of varying security, the gold prize (and a life sentence) going to the team who manage to escape with the contents of Blandmore police station. It could even be televised on Sky Sports using the CCTV cameras! After all, I'm sure you'll agree it's about time we started giving these professionals the attention they deserve.


17 April, 2007 14:51

Blogger Bitseach said...

I dislike the police habit of blaming the victim. It reminds me of those fustificated old goat judges who used to blame the raped woman who dared to go out wearing make-up and a short skirt. Surely she was therefore asking for it!?

If people wish to have bloody idiotic gadgets distracting them from concentrating on the road, they should be able to without having them nicked.

I don't think it becomes us when we do this (tho' I've had some big arguments with colleagues over this one!)(with regards to nicking, not rape!)

Maybe thieving should be made a vocational qualification!! LOL

17 April, 2007 22:42

Anonymous Inspector Gadget said...

We now have a performance target for the amount of time we take to complete RTC files. I'm rapidly losing the will to live. I swear that I will quit the police soon and join CID. Then again... maybe NOT.

18 April, 2007 03:51

Anonymous Danvers said...

I hate those signs that warn you that criminals are operating in a particular area. Surely it is the inverse of the broken window zero tolerance policy - you might as well have a sign saying "Criminals - rich pickings here and no police for miles around". A bit like those knife amnesty bins - given they are just a sign that everyone else is carrying one, why would any self-respecting criminal hand theirs in?

18 April, 2007 14:20

Anonymous lastsaneguy said...

How does one become a professional thief ? Is there a course to take with an exam to sit at the end of it?
Presumably there's a recognised society they have to join and pay a membership subscription like the Law Society (talking about professional thieves).
Presumably an amateur thief is one who supports themselves via full time employment and only steals weekends/evening for fun dreaming of the day they can stop work.
Calling someone a professional thief sounds so much better than calling them an unemployed chav with sticky fingers.

18 April, 2007 16:05

Blogger PC South West said...

Crime reduction, is that what used to be called crime prevention?
Lock em up that will reduce crime will it not?

If you are an amateur then that makes you a special constable does it not?
If you are being paid then that would make you a pro!!

18 April, 2007 21:45

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It has been accepted that crime cannot be prevented in this day and age, therefore we must try to reduce it by shaming people into not reporting anything by saying all crime is the fault of the victim.

19 April, 2007 00:21

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The average police officer is ignorant and stupid and not worth one damn bit of good. They are are low acheivers of mediocre intellect and for the most part, nurse massive inferiority comlexes. They'd either be doing this job or working as security guards at Argos. If the were bright enough. Pigs, the lot of them.

This particular self-important sow is no different and her obvious jealousy of, and attempts to emulate, her fellow pig - who is also so gutless as to not dare not reveal his identity - but who has acheived commercial success none the less, speaks volumes.

That the majority of respondants to this blogs also claim to be serving police officers is illustrative of what a bunch of narcissistic parasites they truy are.

19 April, 2007 21:57

Blogger PC Bloggs said...

hooray - hate mail!!

19 April, 2007 23:28

Anonymous lastsaneguy said...

quality hate mail too,
all the insults have been spelt correctly.

20 April, 2007 11:37

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is my favourite bit: "so gutless as to not dare not reveal his identity", says Anonymous.

You could even go so far as to call that a 'Professional' Hate-Mailer. Following on logically from the points made by Anonymous above, I can only assume that (s)he would little object to being sent a warthog to investigate next time his/her house is robbed.

That is of course unless our Hate-Mailer is in agreement with 'this particular self-important sow' that, as a MOP, (s)he is 'able to hold contradictory views with no apparent side-effects'.*



20 April, 2007 14:32

Blogger Bitseach said...

Trolled! And by such a rapier-like intelligence too!

Anyway, lunchtime - best be back to my trough.


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