This is the official blog of ex-Sgt Ellie Bloggs. I was a real live police constable then sergeant for twelve years, on the real live front line of England. I'm now a real live non-police person. All the facts I recount are true, and are not secrets. If they don't want me blogging about it, they shouldn't do it. PS If you don't pay tax, you don't (or didn't) pay my salary.

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Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Bloggs' Make-Up Tips.

I am shocked and appalled to realise that I have not yet given out any feminine style tips for policewomen out there. It is almost as if I got carried away and have started thinking of myself as a proper police officer!

Too many women nowadays seem to think EQUALITY means being just as good as men. This is a poor interpretation and unnecessary, when we can achieve just as much merely by being GIRLS. Here are my top ten tips for keeping up your girly appeal whilst doing a MAN's job:
  1. Never get up so late for work you can't do your make-up and hair.
  2. Make sure your uniform fits properly, especially following the extra poundage you are likely to accumulate after your probation and final fitness test of your career. There's nothing worse than a policewoman with two waists.
  3. Do not run after people - the sweat thing will frizz up your hair and that just won't do.
  4. Never wear your half-length fluorescent. Everyone will think you have gargantuan boobs.
  5. Do not wear your stab vest as a matter of course - just put it on to go to jobs. Struggling in and out of it in the passenger seat will gain admirers.
  6. Wear your hair just long enough to flick but not so long it can be pinned up. We do not want to fall into the trap of austere dominitrice now, do we?
  7. Try not to be seen doing anything manly like boshing doors or climbing stuff. If you have to, make a hash of it and get caught on the fence by your kit belt. Some girlish kicks and squeals will help at this point.
  8. Drive very slowly on immediates and scrape the panda's bumpers on more than one occasion when your shift are watching you park.
  9. Stick pink hearts all over your docket. This is a signal to all the guys on your shift that you will shag them.
  10. At the first possible opportunity, get yourself off shift and into an office job where you can wear attractive clothing/make-up and sit around chatting with the girls all day.
Copyright of PC Bloggs.


Blogger ExtraSpecialCopper said...

Some top tips there! I knew one female officer who didnt need a torch due to her fake tan!

31 October, 2006 20:01

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've forgotten the push-up bra, preferably black, under your white blouse whenever you know you're going to be stuck indoors on some project. The contrast confirms the fact that you are a real woman and the wobbly bits leaves the males walking around in Groucho Marx impressions with what looks like two Asps. Brilliant!
Did you know that God was a woeman with a sense of humour. She gave men a brain and penis but only enough blood to operate one at a time!
Girly Cop

31 October, 2006 20:55

Blogger Noddy said...

Not wanting to be seen as neglecting my male colleagues when it comes to tips for enhancing our appearance and in answer to your post for female colleagues, I offer this link and this online shopping experience for those in need. Apparently (sadly I checked!) they are not available for those of us North of the Border - could that be 'cos we're not as vain or 'cos we don't need them?

02 November, 2006 16:08

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03 April, 2009 18:30


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