Alexander's Ragtime

Blandshire Constabulary is slowly unveiling its plans for the new tax year.  Half a dozen Chief Superintendents and Superintendents will lose their jobs, even more Chief Inspectors, and the prospects for promotion to Inspector are bleak for 2-3 years.  Of course, all those who lose their jobs in the restructure will get new jobs, in the same rank and on the same pay, within the new improved Constabulary.  But we're all assured that despite this, a lot of money will be saved.  Honest.

Here are some of the main ways that money will/might be saved in the new era:

1. Implementing a one-size-fits-all shift pattern across Blandshire's regions: response and neighbourhood teams will work the same hours whether they work in rural North Blandshire, or the heart of Blandmore town with its humming night-time economy. Much less paperwork for the duty planner, you see.
2. Making inspectors responsible for twice as many teams, and ensuring they never work alongside the staff they are managing.  Sickness and complaints should plummet, because no one will know who to report them to.
3. Combining all kinds of local services and delivering them "from" Headquarters.  The staff allocated to the departments won't change, nor will their pay or conditions, or the remit of the work they do.  But it will save loads nonetheless.
4. Freezing recruitment until staffing levels have fallen to dangerous levels, like they did 2-3 years ago.  It saves a fortune, which can be spent on the  massive overtime bill for the staff you've still got.
5. Stop spending money on absolutely everything: if officers have to fill in a budget request to their second line managers to order a new biro, they'll probably start buying them with their own money.  This policy can then be extended to headlight bulbs, replacement uniform, food for police dogs and perhaps, one day, police cars.

 Of course, residents of Blandshire should not panic that front-line services will be reduced.  Even as we speak members of the Chief Constable's Management Team are working hard overhauling policies that are fine how they are, introducing new tiers of risk assessments in areas that are already risk-assessed to death, and holding training days for hundreds of officers as advised by our valued partner agencies.

Come 1st April, the deckchairs will levitate and slowly come to rest in new positions.  And the Titanic will soldier on towards that iceberg, those of us down in third class oblivious to everything other than our impending doom.

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'Diary of an On-Call Girl' is available in some bookstores and online.