The Schools Officer

I am thrilled, THRILLED, at the news that the government is thinking of putting police officers in schools.

This brand new concept will, in a never-seen-before move, see police officers for the first time working inside schools to curb antisocial behaviour and act as role models.

The idea is just brilliant. In one fell swoop, this "new" Schools Officer could meet every one of the government's targets:

• Stop-and-searches, especially on white children (to even the figures out), will be there for the taking.
• Violent crime will be reduced because Chesney and Kezza's parents will no longer have to call the police to resolve a playground scrap (the in-house officer can just listen to their woes and tell them to sod off).
• Sanction-based detection figures will go through the roof. At one glance the Schools Officer can detect thefts of pencils, vandalism of whiteboards and minor assaults, writing them all off as Detected because the offender was under the age of criminal responsibility.

In fact, I suspect the more likely outcome is that the post will be filled by someone desperate to get away from frontline policing, who will saunter up and down the school corridors handing out jammy dodgers and always be "in a meeting" when an incident actually occurs at the school where they are based.

The really good news, for Labour at least, is that Schools Officers have been around for decades (see above links). So once again the government is gaining political ground by re-hashing an old policy they think no one knows about.

The only slight problem is that I'm not sure the public really want police officers rushing into their child's classroom every time there is a disagreement with the teacher. Still, who cares what the public want? It's a good media sound-bite, which is all that matters.

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